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A lot of people are put off by the term "step family" and have chosen to go with "blended family" instead. While that may seem more politically correct, there's a great danger with using that terminology. Let's take a look at why.
A step family is made up of several distinct parts:
Wife and her kids
Husband and his kids
New marriage couple
Some of these parts revel in their distinct characteristics and will hold onto them for dear life. These characteristics define who they've always been.
Now, take a minute and think about your friendly blender in your kitchen. When do you use that? What's its purpose? It is meant to take distinct ingredients and blend them into one new concoction. In fact, if you're like me, it's annoying to blend something, start to pour it out and realize there's a glop at the bottom that didn't blend into everything else.
While it may sound like a good idea to take these distinct family parts and "blend" them into One, is not it! Are not mixed evenly, no matter how hard you try! They are closer to your children about what their body are your stepchildren. It 'stupid to believe that once the wedding ring is slipped on her finger, I also like their children. Things are not evenly mixed "Now matter how hard you try.
A "mentality Blender is nice sounding unit, because it reminds of the nuclear family, where everyone belonged. The couple had their ownchildren so everyone's equally bonded. It's nice and neat. This just is not the case with a step family.
This may seem like a petty thing to discuss, "I mean it's only terminology, right?" Wrong. The terms we use create how we think about things. That's the danger in this situation.
Here are common problems that come up when we identify with the blender:
Frustration because everyone isn't getting along the way they should.
Anger because of not being accepted like we think we should be.
Discomfort because life isn't running smoothly like it should be.
What's the problem with each of these? They each have this underlying assumption of how things "should be." When our assumptions don't happen, it's real easy to just give up and assume things have failed.
It's not that you've failed, or even that the family has failed. Instead, it's the nuclear family blueprint you're applying to your step family that's failing. People haven't "blended."
Instead, allow the family time to grow into relationship with one another. All of you have known each other for varying amounts of time. Give the relationships time to grow and develop in their own ways. The sooner you can give up the idealistic belief that this new family will function like your previous nuclear family, the sooner you can enjoy what you have rather than get frustrated with trying to fix it.
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